


A Completely Random Boatload of Crap on a Cracker I Found Online and Put in a Word Document

by GobblewonkerJeb



Category: None - Fandom
Genre: Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-08
Updated: 2016-04-08
Packaged: 2018-06-01 00:44:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,456
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6494155
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GobblewonkerJeb/pseuds/GobblewonkerJeb
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>As the title says, this is indeed a completely random boatload of crap on a cracker I found online and put in a word document. I pride myself on being a self-appointed comedian, so I hope ya'll will find this crap stuff funny.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Completely Random Boatload of Crap on a Cracker I Found Online and Put in a Word Document

The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.

My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.

Why do people say “no offense” right before they’re about to offend you?

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

If at first you don’t succeed . . . so much for skydiving.

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

If you steal from one author, it’s plagiarism; if you steal from many, it’s research.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Patience is something you admire in the driver behind you, but not in one ahead.  
I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 telling them to sit down and shut-up.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

We’ve all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we   
know this is not true.

Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?

I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives.

When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.

By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.

America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and the other half is spent trying to lose weight.

To err is human, to blame it on somebody else shows management potential.

A filing cabinet is a place where you can lose things systematically.

Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your children.

The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

Evening news is where they begin with “Good evening,” and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.

It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawn mower, snowblower and vacuum cleaner.

The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming out with only a loaf of bread are three billion to one.

The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

There is nothing so annoying as to have two people go right on talking when you’re interrupting.

The best way to keep children home is to make the home a pleasant atmosphere . . . and let the air out of the tires.

I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance–waiting for the bathroom.

”You will soon feel as though you’ve wasted a coin.

Great news! You will soon get terrible news.

You will find inner peace, but then lose it under the couch cushions.

Great wealth will enter your life when you’re hit by a money truck.

In 24 hours, it will be 24 hours from now.

A penny saved is a penny you could have spent at the Mystery Shack.

Your lucky number is - [please insert another coin to find out your number]

You will become president one day! (Of a discount diaper factory in New Jersey)

You have the seeds of greatness inside you! Also intestines. And various gooey organs.

No refunds.

Tomorrow’s Yesterday is Today.

Journals come in threes.

BUY MORE T-SHIRTS ALREADY!

You will meet your true love, only to discover that it’s just a cardboard cutout of professional wrestler Terry America.

You will live a long, healthy life. Just kidding! Watch out for that virus that’s going around!

Your dreams will all come true. Unfortunately, you have a lot of dreams about painful rashes.

You will solve all global conflict when you tell everyone to “chillax.”

You will find a hidden talent, involving a unicycle, a jar of mayonaise, and 16 praying mantises. No one will care.

I see great things in your future! But I also have terrible vision. Can you recommend an optometrist?

You will search theme songs for hidden messages.

Reach for the stars. Just don’t touch them - they’re horrifyingly hot.

The Good News: You have a secret admirer. The Bad News: It’s me.

You will marry a sea otter. Your parents won’t approve, but that just makes it more romantic.

Never trust anyone with a college degree.

You will be unable to stop saying the word “tweezers.” I mean, it’s just fun. Tweezers. Tweezers. See? Now you got me doing it.

You’re looking good today! Unlike yesterday. I mean… yikes!

The whole world is in your pocket. Which means your pants must be enormous.

Every time a door closes, a window opens. This is why there’s always flies in the house.

A wise man’s good deeds are food for the soul. Or… or something. I don’t know, I kinda phoned that one in.

A wise man once said “Stop quoting me!”

Behind every great man is a less great man muttering “show off.”

You will soon become very sick… of your mom constantly buying granola bars. What, are cookies against the law now?

Free will is an illusion. Be sure to bring this up often to become the hit of the party!

Did you know whales are actually mammals? I just learned that. I’m really proud of myself right now.

You will know the true meaning of the word “satisfaction” when you look it up in the dictionary.

Reject complacency!

Others see you as a leader… pajamas.

Something will drip on your head.

You will remember it tomorrow, when it’s way too late.

Entertain a small animal. Go on. I’ll wait.

Nothing is impossible, the word itself says ‘I’m possible’!” 

"Books are useless! I only ever read one book, To Kill A Mockingbird, and it gave me absolutely no insight on how to kill mockingbirds!"

“Kill my boss? Do I dare live out the American dream?”

"How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took   
that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?"

“When they made this particular hero, they didn’t give him a gun, they gave him a screwdriver to fix things. They didn’t give him a tank or a warship or an x-wing fighter, they gave him a call box from which you can call for help. And they didn’t give him a superpower or pointy ears or a heat ray, they gave him an extra heart. They gave him two hearts. And that’s an extraordinary thing; there will never come a time when we don’t need a hero like the Doctor.”

“It’s like when you’re a kid. The first time they tell you that the world’s turning and you just can’t quite believe it ’cause everything looks like it’s standing still… I can feel it: the turn of the Earth. The ground beneath our feet is spinning at 1,000 miles an hour and the entire planet is hurtling around the sun at 67,000 miles an hour, and I can feel it. We’re falling through space, you and me, clinging to the skin of this tiny little world, and if we let go… That’s who I am.” 

“The way I see it, every life is a pile of good things and bad things. The good things don’t always soften the bad things, but vice versa, the bad things don’t always spoil the good things and make them unimportant.

I like elephants. And penguins. I want a penguin.

Flying is simple. You just throw yourself at the ground and miss.

**Author's Note:**

> P.S If you are wondering whether I am insane, the answer is yes.  
> P.P.S If you are wondering what the answer to Life, the Universe, and Everything is, the answer is 42.   
> P.P.P.S Remember. REALITY IS AN ILLUSION THE UNIVERSE IS A HOLOGRAM BUY GOLD BYEEE


End file.
